Dating vs. Marriage: When Nothing Makes Sense
Have you ever looked at someone you love and thought, Why in the world did you just do that? I know I have. And the answer, more often than not, is simple—it was in their heart. Whatever takes root in your heart eventually shapes your actions, your words, and even your future.
The Bible makes this clear:
“Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” (Proverbs 4:23, NLT)
“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.” (Proverbs 23:7)
I can still remember the moment my eyes first landed on Tammy. It was a Friday afternoon, October 1977, around 4:30 PM. I had gone to a high school football game, focused on the action on the field—until I noticed her. Tammy was out there in her cheerleader uniform, full of energy and joy. From that moment on, I can’t recall much of the football game, but I remember everything about her.
A few months later, we were dating. And somewhere in those early days, I thought I had Tammy figured out. She made sense to me. We laughed, we dreamed, we had fun together. She was the highlight of my world.
Fast forward to marriage, and suddenly… nothing made sense!
What I didn’t understand then—but would learn quickly—is that my beautiful wife carried deep wounds from her past. Tammy had been sexually abused as a child. And though the abuse was years behind her, the pain had seeped deep into her heart. It didn’t just touch her past; it was affecting our present and threatening our future.
Almost overnight, I went from feeling like the luckiest man alive to realizing our marriage could be destroyed by things I hadn’t even caused. The abuse had scarred Tammy’s soul, and it was pouring out in ways neither of us fully understood.
Then one day, a friend shared Psalm 23:3 with us:
“He restores my soul.”
That verse became a lifeline. God didn’t just want to forgive us—He wanted to restore us. He wanted to heal Tammy’s soul and, in turn, restore our marriage.
As the years passed, God blessed us with two incredible children: Daniel and Bethany. And in those early days of fatherhood, I made a vow before God: I would do everything in my power to guard their hearts and souls.
Proverbs 4:23 became my mission statement:
“Above all else, guard their hearts, for it affects everything they do.”
Why? Because what gets into a person’s heart will eventually shape their destiny.
I vowed to guard Tammy’s heart too. Why? Because I knew another man had once failed to protect it—and she had paid a high price. I didn’t want history to repeat itself in our marriage or in our children’s lives.
When Bethany was born, I promised God that one day I would be able to place her hand into her husband’s hand and say with confidence, “I’ve guarded her heart. Now it’s your turn.”
When Daniel was born, I committed to helping him build the kind of heart that could someday guard and nurture his own family. And today, as I hear him talk about his wife, Andi, with such love and generosity, I know God has honored that prayer.
The Bible tells us in Matthew 12:34:
“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
Whatever fills your heart in abundance—pain, abuse, bitterness, joy, faith, or love—will eventually come out. Within weeks of our marriage, it was painfully clear that Tammy’s heart had an abundance of abuse in it.
So how do you remove abuse, pain, or sin from a heart? The answer isn’t to leave it empty. You must fill it with something else—something stronger, something holy.
For us, that meant filling Tammy’s heart with Scripture, prayer, worship, healthy relationships, a loving marriage, and the life of God Himself. Slowly, the abundance of abuse gave way to an abundance of hope and healing.
Does your faith produce your internal thinking—or does your internal thinking produce your faith? The truth is, what you think about, what you meditate on, what you let seep into your heart—that’s what shapes your faith.
This is why I urge you: guard the hearts of your spouse and children. Because their hearts will determine their choices, their character, and ultimately, their destiny.
Tammy made no sense to me after we were married—until I realized that pain and abuse had shaped so much of her heart. But God is still in the business of restoring souls. And if He could restore Tammy, He can restore you too.