A Mystery Called Marriage

This week I came across a statistic that, at first glance, seemed encouraging. It said the number of couples separating has been declining over the past ten years. For decades, we’ve heard the number repeated: over 50% of marriages end in divorce. So, any decline sounds like good news, right?

But then I read the fine print. The reason the numbers are down isn’t that marriages are lasting longer—it’s that fewer people are getting married in the first place.

Commitment is what’s declining.

More couples are choosing to live together, convinced that marriage holds little value. Others decide to “test drive” the relationship to see if it works before making vows. Ironically, research shows the highest divorce rates come from couples who live together before marriage.

So the crisis isn’t the number of divorces—it’s the shrinking commitment to covenant.

The apostle Paul laid out God’s plan for marriage in Ephesians 5:22–33. It’s a passage often misunderstood, but when you read it slowly, you see incredible wisdom.

What fascinates me is the imbalance of instruction. Paul uses about 40 words to address wives but nearly 115 to address husbands. That’s almost a three-to-one ratio. Men, if God had Paul spend three times more ink on us, maybe we’d better pay three times closer attention!

Here’s the summary:

   •   Wives are called to respect their husbands.

   •   Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the church—sacrificially, unconditionally, and faithfully.

It sounds simple, but living it out is where the mystery comes in.

Over the years, I’ve asked couples: “How many of you married someone completely different than yourself?” Almost every hand goes up. Opposites attract—it’s true in magnets, and it’s true in marriage.

That was certainly the case for Tammy and me.

When we first started dating, I loved how different she was from me and my family. My family was predictable, calm, almost Brady Bunch–like. Tammy’s family? More like the Osbournes—or a live Jerry Springer episode. Loud, colorful, unpredictable.

At first, I found it thrilling. Her quirks were cute, her spontaneity refreshing. But over time, what once attracted us began to irritate us.

While dating: “Oh, he’s quiet.”

Once married: “He’s cold and withdrawn.”

While dating: “She’s carefree.”

Once married: “She’s undependable.”

While dating: “He’s analytical.”

Once married: “He’s critical.”

We quickly discovered something: the very qualities that draw couples together can become the very ones that drive them apart. Unless… we learn to value our differences instead of attacking them.

Colossians 3:18–19 offers balance:

 “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly.”

Notice how God doesn’t give identical instructions. Why? Because men and women are wired differently. A wife’s temptation is often to control. A husband’s temptation is often to dominate. But in Christ, we’re called to a better way—love and respect working together.

And when couples model this, their children see the gospel lived out at home. A father who loves like Christ. A mother who respects like the church. That’s not just marriage—it’s discipleship in motion.

For Tammy and me, one breakthrough came when we stopped competing with each other’s strengths and started celebrating them.

For example: Tammy oversees our personal finances. She’s gifted in that area. She was president of her high school’s Future Business Leaders of America, studied advanced accounting, and kept learning business skills. It made sense for her to lead in that area. Meanwhile, I handle church finances. At home, she leads; at church, I lead. It’s not a threat—it’s a complement.

But here’s my confession: the biggest hurdle I had to overcome was realizing I married a bold, confident, intelligent woman—who is almost always right. Do you know how intimidating that can be? Not sometimes right. Not often right. Normally right.

So we came up with a little phrase: “You’re normally right, but you’re not always right.” It’s our way of laughing together, staying humble, and remembering that more than one solution can be the “right” one.

That shift—from intimidation to appreciation—changed our marriage.

Paul closes Ephesians 5 with these words:

 “So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (v. 33, NLT)

Love and respect are like the two pedals of a bicycle. Husbands, when you love, the bike moves forward. Wives, when you respect, it keeps momentum. But if one stops pedaling, the ride slows, balance wobbles, and both stumble.

Marriage thrives when both pedal together—when love and respect move in rhythm.

That’s why Paul calls marriage a mystery. It’s not just about two people finding happiness. At its heart, marriage is a living reflection of Christ and His church—a covenant of love and respect, grace and sacrifice, difference and unity.

Attraction may draw you together. Differences may frustrate you. But God’s design—love and respect—will keep you strong.

Marriage isn’t about falling in love; it’s about choosing love. It isn’t about avoiding conflict; it’s about growing through it. And it isn’t about erasing differences; it’s about embracing them as part of God’s design.

Yes, marriage is a mystery. But when it reflects Christ and His church, it’s also a miracle—one that keeps unfolding every single day.